Home.
I don’t think I’ve ever been this tired, but I can’t sleep still. I can’t remember the last time I really did. These past few days have been the hardest days of my life, but they were also so wonderful. Apparently I have a heart because it’s broken. It hurts so damn much. But,I have never cried, hugged, or laughed as much as I did in these last few days.I think I saw everyone I have met in the last two years. So much love for everyone I saw cept that fucking cunt and those two unknowns. YOU ALL KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. The wake was probably the hardest. It was the first real wave of unknown emotions. But when we all didn’t run out of things to say, got silent and all cried, were chill, awesome, and funny as fuck. I talked to Kyles brother who I didn’t meet til then for about an hour. He is such a dork. I thought he would just hug me and walked away, but he stuck around and we made fun of everyone that walked by, he told me a secret, and we had a huge debate on whether girls or guys have it harder. He never saw the “Kaci” pictures, and he almost fell over cause he was laughing so hard. I really want to keep in touch with him. The night at Rodneys before the funeral, singing our hearts out, spilling alcohol everywhere, getting in trouble for cuddling, showing everyone stuffinmyvagina.tumblr.com, and finding out Mike Grizzly is my musical soulmate. Being the only one not sleeping and after being haunted for the third time I just sat for an hour and had this conversation with Kyle. He made me realize a lot of things in our talk this morning. One thing was about myself and how I am so programmed to not showing my face anywhere and knowing yes this is bringing everyone so much closer, but I won’t see anyone again for months. And of course he called me out saying that I’m going to try and make it that way and I’m pretty sure he’s right. So I was quiet for a bit just going over all that in my head while listening to At Your Funeral by Saves The Day on repeat. I thought the funeral would be the worst, but it wasn’t. I was so drained, and then pissed at the three girls sitting in front of me and talking shit about them with Jessica. Natalie and I realizing that we’re eskimo sisters. And I know he would call us that too. After the drive to the cemetery I was ready for the worst, for it to finally sink in with the burial. But, that’s going to be private so even now, I still STILL think its a joke. I can’t grasp it. But now that I’m finally alone I think I might. I don’t know about others but being with everyone, most times it just felt like Kyle couldn’t make it to this get together or he was running late. Now that I’m back, and have no one to look at or clutch on to, it’s once again a new rush of mystery emotions.
But all of it could not have gone better. So many people. So much love for him.I am so drained, hurting physically and emotionally, and I’m almost out of weed.
But I’m also just happy.
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